The Challenges and Rewards of Stepfamily Life
©Jan Andersen 2002
Conflict, hostility, resentment, anger, rejection, flexibility, sacrifice, patience, love, communication, negotiation, understanding, compromise, joy and happiness.
If you are a stepparent, you may identify with some or all of the above keywords. Maybe you have custody of your stepchildren or maybe they live with their biological parent and stay with you and your partner at weekends or during vacations. Whatever the situation, it requires sacrifice, time and emotional energy. Nobody ever professed that being part of a blended family would be easy and it soon becomes apparent that the happy-ever-after scenario that is portrayed in soppy films, rarely exists in reality. Sometimes it does, but more often than not, it doesn't.
Piggy in The Middle
When you become a stepparent, you find yourself not just playing Piggy in the Middle between your partner and his/her children, but often between your partner and his/her ex, your partner and your ex, your partner and your children, your children and your partner's children. The combinations are endless, in the same way that the reasons for biological parents no longer being together are manifold. Irreconcilable differences, infidelity and even death are just some of them.
My Personal Experience
I was on my own with my three older children, now aged 20, 16 and 14, for a number of years after my ex-husband and I divorced. When my current partner, Mike, moved in with us five years ago, he was keen to make a good impression and, for a while it worked. My children sang his praises to my ex-husband and his wife and although we had a few problems with Mike's ex-wife, life in general was very harmonious.
I was happy because I was in a stable relationship with a wonderfully caring partner and, consequently, my children were happier too, not least because they were now part of what society regarded as a "normal" family with two parents. However, Mike and I had to meet on common ground regarding discipline and whilst I had always been reasonably strict with my children, suddenly this new man, who wasn't their biological dad, began to enforce law and order in their domain.
To further aggravate the situation, Mike's two sons from his previous marriage, now aged 10 and 8, began staying with us at weekends. They were still coming to terms with their parents' recent divorce, still clinging on to the dream that maybe their mum and dad would get back together again and, although their behaviour was appalling, Mike was initially conscious about not wanting to spend the entire weekend chastising them.
Mike's ex-wife had already made the boys believe that daddy had left home because he didn't love them anymore and he had to work hard to reassure them that that was absolutely not the case. However, it hurt my children to see Mike's boys effectively ruling the roost and monopolising our time when they came to stay. My children were punished and denied privileges when they had been disobedient, yet there was little consistency in the way in which Mike treated his children. If his boys were naughty, which they were for a large part of the time, he still took them out, still cuddled them, indulged their fussy eating whims and generally gave them a good time. As a result, I felt that I had to compensate by giving my children the love of two parents, but because of my long working hours I wasn't always able to be there at the times when they perhaps needed me the most.
When I broached the subject with Mike, he would use the excuse that he only saw his boys at the weekend and that I was fortunate enough to see my children everyday. However, I explained to him that it was quality of time, not quantity that was important and as far as I was concerned, my children had virtually no quality time with us. Besides, only seeing the stepchildren at the weekends is no excuse to tolerate bad behaviour.
Disciplining The Stepchildren
An additional problem reared its ugly head when I began to discipline Mike's children. I was bombarded with verbal abuse and whilst Mike's younger son, Daniel, was generally far more accepting of my authority, his elder son, Christopher, would constantly backchat and treat me with utter contempt. At other times, if I chastised him, he would simply call me some endearing name, or would quote unpleasant remarks that had apparently been made by his mother about me. He would also run back to his mother with a catalogue of lies, which caused further aggravation.
Christopher has always been more difficult to control than Daniel and his compulsive lying and malicious tendencies have been the greatest problems to handle. He has deliberately attempted to cause a rift between Mike and I by accusing me of heinous crimes, such as pushing him downstairs, for example, and fabricating things that I have supposedly said to him. He has also written death notes about me, threatened to come back and shoot me when he is older and issued a death wish on our baby daughter when I was five months' pregnant.
I explained to the boys, on many occasions, that irrespective of how they were allowed to behave in their own home, when they were in someone else's home they had to respect their rules, in just the same way that they had to at school, and that whilst they were staying with us, we were responsible for their behaviour. I told them that if they were unhappy, then they didn't have to stay with us at the weekend. That way, I had given them the freedom of choice, rather than making them feel that they had been forced into an uncomfortable situation.
Problems with stepchildren are not always confined to the children themselves, but can be fuelled by a vindictive ex-partner. A few months ago, for example, Christopher was asked by his mother to 'spy' on me when he was here and try to find out what sort of work I did. His mother then telephoned the Child Support Agency and led them to believe that I was earning a sizeable income by working from home on a self-employed basis.
What I very quickly realised was that the battle towards acceptance and, hopefully, some degree of unanimity, was going to take time. I also learned from Mike that if his boys were rude to me in his absence, I had to report it to him immediately. However, at the end of the day, I know that the boys' behaviour is a reflection on their parents and not me.
Playing "Happy Families"
Today, however, after five years of emotional highs and lows, Mike and I have accepted that we will never be able to play "happy families", so we don't force the issue. A few months ago, as a direct result of the ongoing aggravation caused by Christopher, it was decided by Mike's ex-wife that the boys could no longer stay with us at the weekends. Instead, Mike now goes across to the town where they live and spends most of the weekend with them, but reserves Sunday afternoons for our two-year-old daughter and me. It is not the perfect solution because it means that we don't spend as much quality time with him as we would like and yet the atmosphere in the house at the weekends has improved dramatically. The major word here is "compromise". You have to find a solution that works for your family and should not always be guided by how other families function.
On the bright side, our daughter Lauren, who was born in November 1999, is adored and pampered by all of the children and, so far, there have been no outward indications of jealousy from any of them, although I would not feel confident about leaving her alone in a room with Christopher.
Communication and Acceptance
Mike and I still have problems and heated debates with respect to his boys and the unreasonable behaviour of their mother, including many idle threats that are made. However, we always discuss the issue and air any grievances that we may have. Communication is imperative in these situations and although I sometimes feel that it is better to grit my teeth and keep quiet, this only breeds resentment.
Acceptance is hard when you feel that your partner's children are given priority treatment over your own, but if you are honest, you will never feel the same way about your partner's children as you do about your own flesh and blood. Whilst it may not seem ethical, it's a fact of life.
There is no magical solution, but adherence to the following ground rules can certainly bring you one stride closer to living in harmony with your stepchildren.
Groundrules For Stepfamilies:
· Don't live in the past. One of the penalties of divorce and separation is not seeing the absent family as often as you would maybe like. However, you have a new life and they have a new life. When you have a new relationship and family to think of, you should never allow your first family to take priority
· You and your partner must establish firm ground rules in your home, irrespective of how your stepchildren have been allowed to behave in their own homes. When the children are on your territory, you have authority and responsibility for their behaviour. Explain to the children that everybody has different rules and that everyone has to abide by the rules of the house they are visiting, in exactly the same way as they have to abide by certain rules at school
· It is imperative that you and your partner agree on a level of discipline and stick to it. Serious conflict can be arise when parents have radically opposing views on discipline and what is or isn't acceptable behaviour in children
· Try not to demonstrate obvious favouritism towards your own children in front of your stepchildren. Consistency and fairness are the order of the day
· In the beginning, accept the fact that the stepchildren may expect their parents to reconcile and that your relationship with your partner is only a temporary interlude. Sit down with the children, when the time is right and explain to them that sometimes two people who are married may find that they are unable to live together anymore, but that it doesn't mean they love their children any less. This is particularly important for the parent who has moved out, since the children will inevitably experience a sense of rejection and desertion
· Don't allow your stepchildren to play one parent off against the other. Whatever your feelings towards the biological parent, you should not condone any derogatory comments about that parent. After all, they are probably saying similar things about you or your partner to the other parent. The only time when it is imperative to listen and act is if you believe that the other parent is being abusive in any way
· Accept the fact that however perfect a stepmother or stepfather you are, you will never be the biological parent of your stepchildren. It is natural for a stepchild to feel a level of resentment towards you when you are imposing rules or restrictions upon them. However, life revolves around rules, wherever the place or whatever the situation, so it has to be explained that it is not only biological parents who are qualified to enforce law and order
· Show love. Sometimes children need love the most at a time when it's hardest to give it to them. Whilst bad behaviour should never be rewarded with a cuddle or treat, when children are behaving well it is important to praise them
· There is a limit to everyone's patience and perseverance. A child who is consistently disobedient or disrespectful towards the stepparent or their own parents should be dealt with accordingly. If the child does not live with the parent to whom he or she is being disrespectful, the punishment should be to disallow the child the right to come across to the absent parent's home. Continuing to allow the child to cause disruption will only create problems with the adult's relationship and could ultimately destroy it. Remember, your own partnership should be nurtured and given priority.
· Don't be afraid to defend your own children if you genuinely believe that your partner is treating them unfairly. Likewise, don't interfere and try and condone their behaviour if you know that they are in the wrong. Undermining a stepparent's authority can lead to children having no respect for that parent. Similarly, if you fail to step in when they have been wrongly accused of something, they may lose respect and faith in you
· Finally, but very importantly, set aside special time each week for your partner and yourself. You both need time to be yourselves and to show each other just why you chose to be together
