Endearing Quirks and Revolting Habits
The joys of co-habiting
©Jan Andersen 2001
When you and your partner are still in the slushy, honeymoon phase, it's easy to view nasty little habits as endearing quirks that all contribute towards shaping your beloved's unique, lovable character. Unfortunately, this all changes when the relationship progresses from courting to co-habiting, not to mention the apparently new habits that emerge, those of which you had no previous knowledge.
The first time that you witness your cherished blowing his nose and then checking the contents of the tissue afterwards, you might respond with, "Ahhh! That's sooo cute!" However, once you have been living together for say, all of two weeks, your response changes to, "Ughhh! For goodness sake! Do you HAVE to do that? It's sooo disgusting!"
On the subject of noses, I recall one extremely revolting incident once, when I was chastising an ex-partner for rooting around in his nostrils with a forefinger whilst we were out driving to some pre-arranged destination. Very appealing. "I'm not picking it, I'm scratching it!" was the snappy riposte, shortly before an unsavoury object, the size and colour of a broad bean, dropped onto his leg.
This same ex also used to find it hysterically funny to pass wind as many times a day as possible, as loudly as possible and in as many different tones and styles as possible. I won't elaborate on this one, suffice to say they varied from silent killers to multi-syllabic, breaking-the-sound-barrier efforts and were all lethal in the presence of a naked flame.
I am happy to say that after years of disappointment, I was finally captured by a knight in shining armour. That's not to say that my man is completely habit-free. Oh no, far from it. However, he is a little more considerate than many men. He would never, for example, dream of passing wind in front of me. Oh no. He waits until I've left the bedroom, so that when I walk back in, it smells like our old chemistry lab at college following some nasty sulphurous experiment.
What else? Let's See. There's the picking of the toenails in front of the TV scenario. Despite my partner's assurances that the "clippings" will be formed into a neat pile on the arm of the sofa for immediate disposal, a few of them always seem to escape via the airborne route, arriving at some undetermined landing place such as someone's eye or dinner.
Then there's the reading on the toilet phenomenon. Now, why anyone would want to sit with their naked behind dangling over the pan for half an hour after they've carried out the intended mission, is beyond me. Yet that's exactly what my knight does at least twice daily, whilst digesting the latest soccer news. "I'm killing two birds with one stone". is his feeble excuse. Unfortunately, that's not all he kills. Heaven forbid, should anyone need to go to the bathroom within an hour of the aforementioned performance.
And as for the "S" word. Why do most men seem to believe that there is some clause written into the marriage or co-habiting documentation that gives them the right to slap your butt hard when you back is turned, or grope any other sensitive part as and when it takes their fancy? This type of behaviour is generally accompanied by words along the lines of, "Wah Hey!" or else a primitive, animal like sound such as "Grrrrrr!" Naturally, any response from the woman other than, "Oy! Get yer hands off!" is interpreted as being "up for it".
The point is that during the courting phase a woman is usually wined, dined and romanced, but begin sharing wardrobe space and the courting scenario ends abruptly, with the lucky fella assuming that the only criteria to fulfil prior to expecting carnal pleasures is to check for a pulse, roll his female over and leap on her.
When it comes to house training, men never seem to understand the "a place for everything and everything in its place" rule. Stray body hair, for example, doesn't belong on the soap or entwined around the plughole, nor does a plethora of objects such as penknives, odd socks, CD's, old post-it notes, almost empty deodorant bottles and a miscellaneous assortment of screws, keys and obscure mechanical parts belong in one drawer in either the bedroom, kitchen or dining room.
It's not until a woman allows a man to move onto her territory that she becomes aware of the full uses of a garage. Women tend to use garages to park their cars and to house a few garden tools and paint pots, which are dusted on a weekly basis. Men view garages as multi-functional storage and entertainment areas. They watch TV, listen to the radio, read the paper/Playboy, practice their golfing technique, build models of aircraft that will never fly and tinker around with car engines and their genitals. They like to store anything that "might come in handy in the future", such as rotting, splintered chunks of wood, tins of solidified emulsion, cans of 10-year-old Castrol GTX and a diverse range of screws, nails, nuts and bolts, which just happen to be in the wrong size whenever one is needed.
As you can see, it's only a matter of time before endearing quirks become revolting habits. Most men are naturally marriage-shy, so if you want to make a quick escape before the above scenario becomes a reality, do you know what the best line to deliver is?
"I want to get married and have your babies lots of them."
He'll probably need to turn his underpants inside out, so he can wear them for another day.
